Shiney, Lets be Badguys

chickenbane187 @ 2007-08-15T23:05:00

2007-08-16T06:11:00Z

I dont think that its fair that I dont get to have a koala in my apartment. or locusts. Everyone gets finicky around locusts.

chickenbane187 @ 2007-08-10T18:19:00

2007-08-11T01:23:48Z

Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do.

Example: I'm driving home, singing, and suddenly i hear applause from the passenger seat.

There wasnt anyone there a second ago. Yet now the seat was filled by a divine manifestation.

Chuck norris was my copilot.

Till he roundhouse kicked me from his sitting position and vanished in a puff of badass.

Sometimes things happen that alter the course of your life forever, and i must admit, im a changed man. and my nose is broken.

chickenbane187 @ 2007-06-26T00:04:00

2007-06-26T07:15:18Z

I think its time i was deified.

I gotta decide on what I would be a god of. Power, but no REAL responsibility. Something primal, powerful, and unrealized.

Blood? War? Fire? Death? no.

Indigestion.

I think everyone who ordered a war, execution, or bombing had a bad tummy ache that day. The power would be mine.

Congratulations to all who read this. You are my new clerics. Please collect tithes, use it to purchase token offerings to me, and embezzle the rest.

My day at work today

2007-06-08T08:34:37Z

Today was your average day I suppose. Afternoon delivery, pick up at 2 restaraunts and drop off at 1 company. Not bad at all. Delivery to Ooma inc. again. They tip, so its kool.

I leave Ooma, and my dispatcher, Marcell, says "OK, I got another pickup for you at CPK in Palo Alto". I think to myself "Nice, California Pizza Kitchen is right around the block, I'll just walk."

I get to the restaraunt, and the place is empty of customers. Pretty odd for a happening place like CPK. Oh well, slow day. I ask the manager how long my order will be, and he says "It will be out when it is out." I admit, this galls me a bit, so I bust out the radio to call base. Thats when they sneak up behind me and put a to-go bag over my head, and the last thing i remember is being hit over the head with what I assume was a wok. It felt wokish.

I awaken tied to a chair in a dark room with a silhouette fan going, but no fan is in sight. I spit out some blood and a tooth as I wait to be confronted by my captors. I wait for 2 hours 32 minutes, at least according to the clock they left on the wall.

A fat old man steps into the room, accompanied by 2 men in uniform with unneccessarily large rifles. I go ridgid. Its like that movie i saw one time. I dont remember the title, or any of the characters, but something tells me it never turns out well for the tied up individual. He introduces himself as Alexander Raspetnik. The name sounds familiar, but i fail to identify it. He says he needs to talk to me.

I largely consider myself an open book, so i say "what would you like to know?"

He backhands me and shouts "WE ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE". I feel an odd sense of de ja vu.

"Where are the tapes" he says casually. "what tapes?" i reply. "WE ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!" he roars as he backhands me again. Another approach is clearly required.

"I dropped them at the DMV. Im sure if you go there, stand in line, and ask them, the happy and certainly not overworked employees at that well managed institution would be happy to help you recover them". He grins and draws a large crescent wrench. Now i remember him. Alex "The Wrench" Raspetnik. KGB. My old rival back in my days in the CIA during the Kennedy administration. He could do things to a man (and, to present gender equality, a woman) with that wrench that would make a hyena shudder.

If only I knew what tapes he was talking about!

Thinking quickly, I remember what i read in the KGB agency for dummies book in 82, and I look in his eyes sternly. "By the might of stalin's mustache, I challenge you for your position of authority under article 723B subsection 2 in the detainment chapter of the handbook. You select a weapon and the contest shall begin"

He looks visibly startled by this. I had done my homework, and by the KGB's profileing of me, I had never done homework to save my life. caused some problems with my potential graduation. Irrelivant now. He selects his weapon, and I am shocked to see what he chose.

Crescent wrench.

The guards have me untied in a jiffy, and fetch me a wrench of my very own. We square off, and he grins the grin of one who is confident in victory. He has no idea I have been takeing extensive courses in wrench on wrench combat at stanford, while he knows only how to fight wrench on flesh, blade, club, firearm, high-explosive, and latte combat. He moves lithely, more lithely than the fat man should, and feints to my weak side. I catch his wrench with a move like a mongoose and snap it in my grip. I then beat him to unconsciousness. Victory is mine.

I turn to one of the guards, who remain stoic, and ask what I have won. I wasnt entirely aware, because i hadnt done my homework on the topic. He tells me that I have won my freedon and alexanders lunch box. Mildly perplexed, I explain that he should get the lunchbox for me due to Alexander's incapacitated state. He nodded, and returned with a small lunchbox covered in Power Puff Girls decals. He shows me the 4 stories up through the underground complex beneath CPK to the surface. Marcell radios me and asks me the status on the CPK order. The manager tells me "about 20 minutes". I am 2 and a half hours late by the time i get everything labeled, packed, and to the customer.

The best part is, they tipped me $30. Badass.

chickenbane187 @ 2007-05-14T22:56:00

2007-05-15T05:59:09Z

If the movie 28 weeks later has taught me anything, its this:

Leave the children to die.

chickenbane187 @ 2007-05-01T23:21:00

2007-05-02T06:26:06Z

Has anyone else been driving along one day, and thought to themselves "I want to write a poem! But not a poem that has any of that stupid stuff like rhyme, meaning, or cohesion. A poem that bears a purity of essence that comes from ignoring the little things"?

I just know that I can do it, but I do not, because I fear what it would mean to the world.

Entertain me

2007-04-06T06:56:23Z

At this point, LJ serves one purpose and one perpose only for me. To entertain myself. As associations of mine through this journal, the responsibility falls on YOU, my friends, to entertain me.

Post a link in comments to the most amuseing thing you can find, and In an undisclosed period of time, I will declare my opinion as to the funniest. Bickering about it in comments is encouraged.

The winner will recieve what I would like to call Aaronic Amusement Points (AAP from here on) which can be redeemed for... something i have yet to think of... at a later date.

I intend to do similar little competition thingies in the future to get more, assumeing I dont get chastised for using the LJ medium for something so heinously self serving and childish.

note: Conor cannot use the Grindhouse review he showed me. 2 AAP are already alloted for that.

chickenbane187 @ 2007-04-04T00:36:00

2007-04-04T07:57:59Z

Well, this is my first post, and with it I graduate from casual live journal observer into...

LIVEJOURNAL CONTRIBUTOR!

Its kinda epic if you say it correctly. I'd tell ya how, but my keyboard lacks an IPA section. It would be hideously wasteful when it comes to space, but goddamnit i want my IPA symbols as well as english, japanes, swahili, and pig latin letters.

Which reminds me that I had a little stupid pointless story to tell, which beats the crap out of the emo that one usually expects livejournal to be. (or maybe its just me that expects it. I COULD be a drama whore who ignores all the good stuff for the meaty hateful bile that everyone loves to see. Or i could be right. Probably both)

It seems that today I did a stupid and lock myself out of my own room. I discovered this when i twisted the doornob, put my weight against the door, and noted a supriseing lack of forward moment. Also noted a lack of doorknob actually twisting. After a second or 2 of my roommate Steven giving me a will deserved laughing at, we went to work fixing the problem.

Since there is no actual key hole on the outside, we attempted to probe the small hole on the doorknob with a tiny screwdriver, figureing there must be a way to open it that way. We were correct in the assumption.

Alas, we failed to deduce HOW one opens it that way.

I noted the screws on the doorknob, and came to one conclusion. Deconstruction of the damnable device was in order.

I unscrew the doorknob, and as I pull it off...THUD... the other knob falls inside the locked room with the entie mechanism attached.

The remaining pieces looked completely alien to myself and my roommate, so there was only one recourse. Take apart another one and take a closer look.

We figure out that the locking mechanism, and it seems the lock was the thing in my room. All I had to do was figure out how to open it from the inside.

It took depressingly long for me to try the "Push on it" approach. Apparently the inside is like a button.

Haveing opened the door, the process of reassembleing both doors begins.

While we are kneeling next to our respective disassembled doors, the other roommate Conor arrives home. He turns the corner, sees us huddled next to dismantled doorways. His phone conversation stops dead, his jaw drops, and a look of extreme disbelief crosses his face. I responded the only reasonable way I could.

Hi Conor! Steven and I have had a very exciteing day! How was yours?

Jaw remains dropped.

Eventually the person on the other end of the phone snaps him out of it, and he resigns himself to "I don't want to know" and retreats into his room.

Overall, I learned something. Not how to pick the lock, or how a door mechanism works, or that I have a roommate who will help me with random shit, or that the other one is easily shocked if I just present him with a scene of complete inaneity. I'm gonna forget all that in about 23 more minutes. I gleaned something infinitely more valuable.

Where Steven keeps his toolbox.

I promise not to hurt the apartment. I hope.